hold you in his arms you can feel his disease

Everything will be okay in the end. 

We will come out on the other side of this life 

and everything will have worked out 

just how it was suppose to.

That has been the basis of my belief system, well...

since I've really had a belief system...

Sometimes I forget it.

Sometimes that truth is lost in the fog of life.

But when I remember it;

When the night breaks and I can see once more;

the reunion between soul and belief is beautiful.

I've finally found what I've been looking for.

I'm finally somewhere that I fit in and belong.

Where it's easy to be who ever I am.

It really became clear last Saturday...

We were going to Seattle for the night.

Kirsten was driving, Becca sitting up front as navigator.

Mel and Laura in back. Me in the middle of them.

We were singing along to the Beatles.

It was nothing new, we listen to the Beatles almost daily.

We always sing along.

But somehow, right then, I was overwhelmed with how right it was.

It's so easy to be so close to them.

We're talking about getting a house next year.

We're renting a beach house over winter break.

I've found what I was afraid I wouldn't.

I love it here. I love the people here. I love the place.

But it's an odd juxtaposition...

My insane love for this place

paired with an intense longing for home.

I miss you. I miss home.

I miss Llewellyn Road and all things associated to it.

I miss hiking on hills overlooking the valley.

I MISS YOU.

But I love it here.

I can't wait to be home.

But I don't ever want to leave here.

It seems I'm down to blogging once a month.

It's because I'm so crazy busy there's no time.

I can't catch you up on what's happened in this month.

But I can inform you on the now.

I'm not going to be a music major.

I'm making this decision, not my aural skills professor.

And I feel so good about it that it's scary.

So far this year, I've learned to fear and hate music.

Music has destroyed my self esteem to the point where even my bass clarinet is more enemy than friend.

Do you remember how excited I was when it came? Mr. Nelson sent me the picture to remind me. I should NEVER hate bass clarinet. And I do right now.

Music will always be apart of me and my life.

Both here now and in the future.

I will take lessons and play in band.

Later I will play in groups and probably teach lessons.

Music will never leave me.

But right now, my passion for it has.

My faith in it has.

And I'm not willing to accept that as fate.

I'm not going to do something I don't love.

I've always had my doubts.

Remember this summer? Doubt was all I had.

I think this is fate.

I chose to be a music ed major because I knew the career associated to it and I knew I could be good at the job.

That's safety. That's trying to stay in a small pond.

I'm excited for my classes next semester.

I'm excited to see what I can become,

not as a musician, but as something else.

For the first time ever really, I'm truly living for the now.

I'm not feeling pressured or depressed and ignoring the present, living only for plans for the future.

I don't have a plan.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I have no clue what the future holds.

But I'm going to love the present.

And I'm going to trust in the future.

Because, as always, I'll come out the other side

and everything will be okay.

I love you

and I appreciate your support

in what is probably a lot more difficult for me than I'll ever really acknowledge.

See you soon.