speak to me gently

This morning my phone vibrated next to me at 5:30. Just like it did so many mornings of high school. I shut it off and let myself deeply appreciate laying in bed here, the dim light showing the features of what is already so much my home. After about 15 minutes I silently got up and dressed, taking socks and shoes (the same shoes that got muddy when walking with mom, dad and zippy when zippy decided to jump over the creek, the same shoes that left so many footprints in and around timberhill/chip ross park this summer, the same shoes that caught on fire at Tillicum and got so wet and muddy at rock creek), my ipod and cell phone and my keys and slipped out of the room. I erased the POLO from 'in room' on our Marco-Polo where are we board and wrote it next to "adventuring elsewhere / lost" instead. After splashing water on my face, as if thinking it would rinse the tired feeling away I was off at 5:59. Standing on the steps outside of my dorm I looked around at my dark, deserted beautiful campus. The black trees looming against the dark blue sky. The glow of the distant music building, the sprinklers shooting water across the field. I jogged through campus and out into the surrounding neighborhoods. It felt like I was back in Corvallis. At 6:50 I was back on campus. Standing on the same steps outside of my dorm I look around my bright, awakening beauitful campus. Since then I've showered and had breakfast and studied my minor key signatures.
Now, already almost 4 hours after waking up I'm again in bed. Sleep is heavy on my eyelids and I may well take a nap before moving on with the rest of my day.
At 11 I'm going to Christina's, my peer advisor, cafe hours. She said she'll help me with MacGamut (the IMPOSSIBLE ear training theory computer program that left me in the fetal position last night) and I want to talk to her about what it's like to be a music major here. I emailed my advisor yesterday to make an appointment with her (because I have class during her office hours), emailed Laura and we'll talk to her on the phone tonight and emailed Mr. Nelson. I'm just SO entirely unsure about the music major. I feel like I'm severely lacking some inherent ability and talent. I'm just not a singer. I don't have a good ear. If I practiced singing and ear training and such 5 hours a day maybe I could get by, but I don't have time to do that. I need to practice Bass Clarinet for lessons, Contrabass for wind ensemble and piano for theory. I'm in over my head. I'm honestly the very bottom of my class. I spend more time in the music building than any of my friends and still do worse than them on all the quizzes and such. I know I could be a band director, that was proven to me last year, but I don't know if I can get through the process beforehand. But it's not as simple as just changing to an English (or anything else really) major. If I'm not a music major how do I justify taking out the loans I am to go here? But I LOVE it here and absolutely do not want to leave. But it'd be better to transfer and do something I can get through then to flunk out of here doing something I'm just purely not talented enough for. It shouldn't be this hard. I'm suppose to be good at music. I WON STATE. WTF?! I shouldn't dread going to music classes. I shouldn't fail music quizzes. I shouldn't have to FORCE myself to go practice. Something just isn't right. But despite that, I still love it here so much. I feel like I belong here. I've always felt that. But now I know it.
I think I'm going to nap until 10, then get ready, go see Christina, go to theory, get lunch, go to french, go to stats, and then practice/read/do hw/study etc etc etc tonight.
One other thing though.. despite how much I love it here, I do miss a lot of you and a lot of places and a lot of things a fair amount, sometimes an almost overwhelming amount.