'til your finger nails break

Dear Jenna,

Stop. Don't move. Release the tension in your shoulders. Let your arms, your hands, hang limp. Close your eyes. Remember.
Remember...

It's hot- the grass is almost crunchy beneath your bare feet.

You sit outside at the picnic table. For hours each day.

Bass Clarinet in hand.

You play to improve, you play for fun, you play to be good.

You play because of passion. You play because it makes you feel things you've never felt before. You play because getting to know the instrument is like a duck finally getting to swim in water. It clicks, it fits in your fingers, you can move with it's music. You've found what you love.

Remember that? Summer after freshman year? When you first really thought that music was what you were meant for?

You sit in the NAMS band room, it's dark out and it's growing foggy. You're playing the song. Actually playing it. The impossible hard impressive song that you didn't think you'd ever play. You're playing it. As you pack up he lightly hits your shoulder and tells you you'll go places. You want to believe him, but you just can't really believe him. But you want to go places.

You're doing what you love, better than you thought you could.

Remember that? When you were first starting to take lessons? When you first played the solo and felt good about who you were and what you could do?

Remember getting the voicemail during chem? "Jenna, It's Travis. It's here, it's beautiful, we'll be waiting for you."

Remember getting into All-State? (You were actually amazed)

Remember solo/ensemble? Growing so nervous. Having a crowd of people who believed in you, who thought you could do it, even though you sure didn't. Remember how you were nervous, and then you started to play and it was fine. You were doing what you loved so you knew it'd be okay. And it was. Remember when you won? Remember driving home and just screaming with joy? Calling Katie and getting to tell her that after everything, it happened!

Remember state? You were a wreck? Remember sitting on that bench in the sun, practically tearing your hair out, hardly holding in tears, Mr. Nelson next to you, telling you it was fine, that it didn't matter, everyone has off days. Remember when you found out you won? Sitting in the dark in your room refreshing the results over and over, finally seeing them posted, afraid to look and then the freak out when you saw?

Because of your passion!

That was the only thing that could have done it!

You worked hard, you worked really really hard, because of your passion.

Remember all the times you thought it wasn't worth it? All the times you cried, didn't play because you couldn't stand to hear yourself? Legitimately believed you were terrible? Remember that spring when (like many times before) you almost walked into Danny's office and demanded that he remove you from band?

Remember when you directed them for the first time?

Remember those lights and that feeling.

You knew. More than ever.

Remember when it came? When you opened the case for the first time?

But damn, it was hard. You had to work hard. You had to devote your life to it. Remember when you first thought you could do it?

Remembering standing on this campus, after working yourself practically to death to be good enough for your audition? How stressed you were because you wanted it so badly?

Oh Jenna.

You know.

You remember.

There's so much more than that.

But look at those past successes. None of them came easy. All them caused several break downs and a lot of tears. You didn't know or believe any of them were possible.

But there was that core group of people, and the group grew as you did. They believed. They were always right.

So, it's really fucking hard right now. It's been hard before. Maybe this is a new hard. But you're away from the belief behind you. You're learning to stand on your own.

It will be okay. If you want it, you can do it. Passion got you here. Passion can get you through here. Remember what you're coming from. Remember how badly you want to get where you're going.

Close your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

If you really need someone with you to believe in you, I'm right fucking here.

Love,

Yourself.