hold you in his arms you can feel his disease

Everything will be okay in the end. 

We will come out on the other side of this life 

and everything will have worked out 

just how it was suppose to.

That has been the basis of my belief system, well...

since I've really had a belief system...

Sometimes I forget it.

Sometimes that truth is lost in the fog of life.

But when I remember it;

When the night breaks and I can see once more;

the reunion between soul and belief is beautiful.

I've finally found what I've been looking for.

I'm finally somewhere that I fit in and belong.

Where it's easy to be who ever I am.

It really became clear last Saturday...

We were going to Seattle for the night.

Kirsten was driving, Becca sitting up front as navigator.

Mel and Laura in back. Me in the middle of them.

We were singing along to the Beatles.

It was nothing new, we listen to the Beatles almost daily.

We always sing along.

But somehow, right then, I was overwhelmed with how right it was.

It's so easy to be so close to them.

We're talking about getting a house next year.

We're renting a beach house over winter break.

I've found what I was afraid I wouldn't.

I love it here. I love the people here. I love the place.

But it's an odd juxtaposition...

My insane love for this place

paired with an intense longing for home.

I miss you. I miss home.

I miss Llewellyn Road and all things associated to it.

I miss hiking on hills overlooking the valley.

I MISS YOU.

But I love it here.

I can't wait to be home.

But I don't ever want to leave here.

It seems I'm down to blogging once a month.

It's because I'm so crazy busy there's no time.

I can't catch you up on what's happened in this month.

But I can inform you on the now.

I'm not going to be a music major.

I'm making this decision, not my aural skills professor.

And I feel so good about it that it's scary.

So far this year, I've learned to fear and hate music.

Music has destroyed my self esteem to the point where even my bass clarinet is more enemy than friend.

Do you remember how excited I was when it came? Mr. Nelson sent me the picture to remind me. I should NEVER hate bass clarinet. And I do right now.

Music will always be apart of me and my life.

Both here now and in the future.

I will take lessons and play in band.

Later I will play in groups and probably teach lessons.

Music will never leave me.

But right now, my passion for it has.

My faith in it has.

And I'm not willing to accept that as fate.

I'm not going to do something I don't love.

I've always had my doubts.

Remember this summer? Doubt was all I had.

I think this is fate.

I chose to be a music ed major because I knew the career associated to it and I knew I could be good at the job.

That's safety. That's trying to stay in a small pond.

I'm excited for my classes next semester.

I'm excited to see what I can become,

not as a musician, but as something else.

For the first time ever really, I'm truly living for the now.

I'm not feeling pressured or depressed and ignoring the present, living only for plans for the future.

I don't have a plan.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I have no clue what the future holds.

But I'm going to love the present.

And I'm going to trust in the future.

Because, as always, I'll come out the other side

and everything will be okay.

I love you

and I appreciate your support

in what is probably a lot more difficult for me than I'll ever really acknowledge.

See you soon.

redwoods grow old

My breath shows in the gray that blurs the red of the few deciduous trees. It rained yesterday. I wanted to dance in it. But, it wasn't that type of rain. And I'm not a dancer.
It's fall, purely, simply autumn as I know it. Without the usual signs that scream it. But even still, it feels so right. Fall makes me miss certain past familiarities, relationships, activities and people. I don't associate you to fall, but being surrounded by fall hasn't made me miss you any less.
I miss the awkward, scary simplicity of that house, with it's vegetation and emptiness. How much time we spent together then. Sitting in the little living room at 3 in the morning.
I miss the vast, comfortable familiarity of that house, with it's annoying dog and it's yard. How you would just show up and eat my pizza. How you wouldn't even need to knock. How we would talk underneath the glow in the dark stars. How we would watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and play games.
I love how I've made my side of the room my home. With pictures of people and places. I love that my comforter is here with me. I love that in three more days there will be a break.
Fall's a social lonely season.
Meant for intimate gatherings and isolated wanderings.

This weekend, I will find nature.
Trees and sky and hills and water.
I will find a place to escape to.
I will play music that I'm good at and that makes me feel good.
I will write about you.

 

oh, it is love

Last week was long, exhausting in every way, frustrating, upsetting, hard and overall not a good experience. 
Thursday night I purchased train tickets.
Friday afternoon two of my friends met me when I got out of wind ensemble and drove me to the train station.
Friday night Zippy greeted me more enthusiastically than ever before in our lives. 
Technically Saturday morning I went to bed in my room, with it's familiar layout and lighting, with my kitty in my arms.
Saturday I saw people. I talked to people. I hugged people. I ate a burrito at La Roca. I wanted to go hiking but it was just too hot.
Saturday night I went to bed in my comfortable wonderful bed and didn't mind being continuously woken up by Zippy.
Sunday morning I slept in and was woken up by my cat meowing at me.
Sunday, like so many times before, I drove to NAMS, knocked on the door and was let in by Mr. Nelson. We talked for over an hour while sorting through music. It was really really good for me.
Sunday afternoon, I got on the bus and left.
Sunday night I got off the train to find three of my friends waiting for me, running towards me to have an excited group hug. I was surprised to learn how much I had missed them having only known them a month and having only been gone two days.
Upon getting back into the dorm it was a more extreme version of that, Audrey and I running towards each other from seperate ends of the hall, so many people saying things like "Jenna! You're back! We missed you!" and being so glad to see people. It was amazing.
There were people I saw while home that I didn't realize just how much I really did miss them until we were walking towards each other. There were things that happened at home that I didn't really realize just how much I needed until they were happening. But it was better to learn how much I missed the people here, and how great it was to return to it.
I'm starting fresh, and I'm trying to hope for the best.
so much love to all of you

'til your finger nails break

Dear Jenna,

Stop. Don't move. Release the tension in your shoulders. Let your arms, your hands, hang limp. Close your eyes. Remember.
Remember...

It's hot- the grass is almost crunchy beneath your bare feet.

You sit outside at the picnic table. For hours each day.

Bass Clarinet in hand.

You play to improve, you play for fun, you play to be good.

You play because of passion. You play because it makes you feel things you've never felt before. You play because getting to know the instrument is like a duck finally getting to swim in water. It clicks, it fits in your fingers, you can move with it's music. You've found what you love.

Remember that? Summer after freshman year? When you first really thought that music was what you were meant for?

You sit in the NAMS band room, it's dark out and it's growing foggy. You're playing the song. Actually playing it. The impossible hard impressive song that you didn't think you'd ever play. You're playing it. As you pack up he lightly hits your shoulder and tells you you'll go places. You want to believe him, but you just can't really believe him. But you want to go places.

You're doing what you love, better than you thought you could.

Remember that? When you were first starting to take lessons? When you first played the solo and felt good about who you were and what you could do?

Remember getting the voicemail during chem? "Jenna, It's Travis. It's here, it's beautiful, we'll be waiting for you."

Remember getting into All-State? (You were actually amazed)

Remember solo/ensemble? Growing so nervous. Having a crowd of people who believed in you, who thought you could do it, even though you sure didn't. Remember how you were nervous, and then you started to play and it was fine. You were doing what you loved so you knew it'd be okay. And it was. Remember when you won? Remember driving home and just screaming with joy? Calling Katie and getting to tell her that after everything, it happened!

Remember state? You were a wreck? Remember sitting on that bench in the sun, practically tearing your hair out, hardly holding in tears, Mr. Nelson next to you, telling you it was fine, that it didn't matter, everyone has off days. Remember when you found out you won? Sitting in the dark in your room refreshing the results over and over, finally seeing them posted, afraid to look and then the freak out when you saw?

Because of your passion!

That was the only thing that could have done it!

You worked hard, you worked really really hard, because of your passion.

Remember all the times you thought it wasn't worth it? All the times you cried, didn't play because you couldn't stand to hear yourself? Legitimately believed you were terrible? Remember that spring when (like many times before) you almost walked into Danny's office and demanded that he remove you from band?

Remember when you directed them for the first time?

Remember those lights and that feeling.

You knew. More than ever.

Remember when it came? When you opened the case for the first time?

But damn, it was hard. You had to work hard. You had to devote your life to it. Remember when you first thought you could do it?

Remembering standing on this campus, after working yourself practically to death to be good enough for your audition? How stressed you were because you wanted it so badly?

Oh Jenna.

You know.

You remember.

There's so much more than that.

But look at those past successes. None of them came easy. All them caused several break downs and a lot of tears. You didn't know or believe any of them were possible.

But there was that core group of people, and the group grew as you did. They believed. They were always right.

So, it's really fucking hard right now. It's been hard before. Maybe this is a new hard. But you're away from the belief behind you. You're learning to stand on your own.

It will be okay. If you want it, you can do it. Passion got you here. Passion can get you through here. Remember what you're coming from. Remember how badly you want to get where you're going.

Close your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

If you really need someone with you to believe in you, I'm right fucking here.

Love,

Yourself.

speak to me gently

This morning my phone vibrated next to me at 5:30. Just like it did so many mornings of high school. I shut it off and let myself deeply appreciate laying in bed here, the dim light showing the features of what is already so much my home. After about 15 minutes I silently got up and dressed, taking socks and shoes (the same shoes that got muddy when walking with mom, dad and zippy when zippy decided to jump over the creek, the same shoes that left so many footprints in and around timberhill/chip ross park this summer, the same shoes that caught on fire at Tillicum and got so wet and muddy at rock creek), my ipod and cell phone and my keys and slipped out of the room. I erased the POLO from 'in room' on our Marco-Polo where are we board and wrote it next to "adventuring elsewhere / lost" instead. After splashing water on my face, as if thinking it would rinse the tired feeling away I was off at 5:59. Standing on the steps outside of my dorm I looked around at my dark, deserted beautiful campus. The black trees looming against the dark blue sky. The glow of the distant music building, the sprinklers shooting water across the field. I jogged through campus and out into the surrounding neighborhoods. It felt like I was back in Corvallis. At 6:50 I was back on campus. Standing on the same steps outside of my dorm I look around my bright, awakening beauitful campus. Since then I've showered and had breakfast and studied my minor key signatures.
Now, already almost 4 hours after waking up I'm again in bed. Sleep is heavy on my eyelids and I may well take a nap before moving on with the rest of my day.
At 11 I'm going to Christina's, my peer advisor, cafe hours. She said she'll help me with MacGamut (the IMPOSSIBLE ear training theory computer program that left me in the fetal position last night) and I want to talk to her about what it's like to be a music major here. I emailed my advisor yesterday to make an appointment with her (because I have class during her office hours), emailed Laura and we'll talk to her on the phone tonight and emailed Mr. Nelson. I'm just SO entirely unsure about the music major. I feel like I'm severely lacking some inherent ability and talent. I'm just not a singer. I don't have a good ear. If I practiced singing and ear training and such 5 hours a day maybe I could get by, but I don't have time to do that. I need to practice Bass Clarinet for lessons, Contrabass for wind ensemble and piano for theory. I'm in over my head. I'm honestly the very bottom of my class. I spend more time in the music building than any of my friends and still do worse than them on all the quizzes and such. I know I could be a band director, that was proven to me last year, but I don't know if I can get through the process beforehand. But it's not as simple as just changing to an English (or anything else really) major. If I'm not a music major how do I justify taking out the loans I am to go here? But I LOVE it here and absolutely do not want to leave. But it'd be better to transfer and do something I can get through then to flunk out of here doing something I'm just purely not talented enough for. It shouldn't be this hard. I'm suppose to be good at music. I WON STATE. WTF?! I shouldn't dread going to music classes. I shouldn't fail music quizzes. I shouldn't have to FORCE myself to go practice. Something just isn't right. But despite that, I still love it here so much. I feel like I belong here. I've always felt that. But now I know it.
I think I'm going to nap until 10, then get ready, go see Christina, go to theory, get lunch, go to french, go to stats, and then practice/read/do hw/study etc etc etc tonight.
One other thing though.. despite how much I love it here, I do miss a lot of you and a lot of places and a lot of things a fair amount, sometimes an almost overwhelming amount.

she thinks I am the one

This is... so right, so simple and wonderful and natural. But...
This is also so hard, so complicated and exhausting and challenging. But...

I love it here.

Right now I'm in bed, with the window open so I can smell the rain I hear and the our clock is playing music that echoes throughout campus at noon and five. It's as if the grounds are singing. Offering me reassurance of belonging twice a day.

I love it.

The first week of classes ended with fire dancing and the most magnificant firework display of my life. That night we hung out in the lounge, I helped Audrey rearrange her room, which resulted in huge amounts of laughter. And I slept pantless since my roommate is home for the long weekend.

I love it.

Theory will kick my ass, but I'll work hard and get help from a lot of people and when I leave here I will have the skills to be a good band director and teach my students so it's not so hard for them. By taking bass clarinet lessons and playing it in U-Band and playing contrabass clarinet in Wind Ensemble I will leave this year so much better than I came in. It's killer hard and I'll spend more time in practice rooms than I ever imagined.

I love it.

I even like work. I like the people I work with and when I know information for someone I feel great, and when I don't... well... good thing i've always been a good liar...

Yesterday after work Mel and I headed over to the new music student thing. We all talked and they gave us a tour and then we headed over to the music themed house for a BBQ. It was great to sit there with people I know and don't know. To laugh and talk and listen to music. We left around 7 probably. Three friends and I then walked to the store to get food for our rooms and ended up with a big group of people in the lounge watching 10 things I hate about you and Wanted.

Even though there are times I miss Corvallis; La Roca burritos, American Dream cookies, Chip Ross Park, Bald Hill, familiar faces and hugs. I love it here. So, so, so much.

Today I work for three hours, need to do at least 45 minutes of practice for theory, at least 2 hours of bass clarinet and at least an hour of contrabass. Before the end of the weekend I need to do french homework (which is easy), figure out a plan and probably make an outline for my first paper, do more practice tomorrow, and should read my stats book. For now, I'm going to take a nap before heading to work. And hopefully wake up on time.
And then Tuesday, start another week.

it's sad and it's sweet

Well, one day of classes done... a heck of a lot to go...
Work was okay, I pretty much just stood there and listened to Terry answer phone calls. It's kind of intimidating to work in the information center as a freshman who doesn't know anything, and I really hope that the schedule stays where I'm never there alone. I thought I worked 10-11, but really worked 11-12, so I woke up earlier than I needed to and didn't have any break for lunch. Today is my only day off for the week.
Today is also by far the best day of the week.
Yesterday was crazy. Theory 101 (aural skills) terrified me. I'm legitimately worried I'll fail it, lose my scholarship and have to drop out. But Audrey says they don't let that happen. Hope not. Music Biopics seems like it will be a lot more work than I expected, with lots of large papers and research. And, as cool as it is that we watch movies, we watch them outside of class when I'd like to be socializing, practicing, doing homework or sleeping. My french class seems like it will be my favorite. I LOVE the professor, she's like a young, friendlier, funnier, easier Langlois. I LOVE her. And, I understood everything she was saying. My stats professor is santa clause and I'm excited for that class because I think I'll understand the second time around. By the end of the day I was beat and cranky. I had a bagel at 10:30 and then was in class (or work) constant until 4. I woke up earlier than I had planned also. And was feeling really worried about music. Not to mention things aren't going smooth with the roommate. But I don't want to talk about that on here, other than that I'm really excited to have the dorm to myself again this weekend.
I'm going to go eat (and get some coffee), buy some staff paper at the bookstore, and then head to where I'll pretty much be living the next four years- the practice rooms. To work on theory, because I don't play piano and I don't sight sing. Shit on a stick. Then I have written theory (which I like the prof- she's my advisor, and it HAS to be better than aural), french and stats. I have a break from 3:00-3:30, and then am done for the day at 4:20. There's a men's soccer game at 5 that I think I'd like to go to if other people I know are, but depending on homework and energy level I may skip out on it.
Tomorrow is another hell day like yesterday, thursday is okay, same as today but with work, Friday is hellish also. And, it doesn't do any good to not have class until noon or later when your roommate wakes you up at 8.
Fun, fun, times.
Okay, that's enough wallowing for now.
I think you should call me. I like having phone conversations with people.